The rush is worth the price I pay.

I was reading past blog entries I had, the first entries were happy. Jans was sweet, surprising me at the first times. Soon enough, everything was lost. We always fight, we always argue. The love was lost. So I thought, maybe breaking up was the right thing for us. I can't even make him happy. Or I couldn't. Past tense.

 

I still think there is more to us than this. He preferred to give me everything he has but he broke up with me for the same reason.

He's the most beautiful boy I've ever seen despite what people think. I don't care who thinks what. And we're perfect, maybe.. or maybe not. I don't know when I'll ever be able to get over him. I was supposed to let go of this blog, but I still write for the sake of letting my feelings out.

Maybe he's over me and off dating someone his type, someone close to how he saw me before. It's sad but I have to accept it no matter what. And maybe that's why he doesn't want to give me my things back because he doesn't want to see me anymore. Who knows what is going on in his mind?

I love you, Jans. Gosh, I still love you like I did the first time. And if we don't get back together, then we don't. I'm tired of living in my fantasy life, living like it's okay to be friends with you or whatever. I need my reality back. I need it back. And maybe I need him back. Or not. I don't know what I want!

MAYBE, I want that picture to happen again. It was taken almost a year from now. We were a happy mess.

I needed to admit something so I can take it off my chest. But I know nobody will accept this because they all think I'm moving on. I don't want to admit this to him either because I don't feel comfortable saying all this to him. I'm assuming he's dating someone now.

So here goes:

I miss him. GAWD. Knowing he's playing football again, I remembered everything again. And I miss him. I miss every freakin' part. It's been a long while since I saw "A <3" on my phone's screen. That was his name in my contacts. And always, even if he was my boyfriend of more than a year, a text with that name got me excited. I don't know. Even when people say I'm too pretty for him, he's still the most beautiful man I've seen. I want to be with him again. I miss him so bad.

Okay, I think I pretty much had it out. I need to shut up now. Goodbye, feelings-that-aren't-suppose-to-exist.

This entry is fully about him!

For a moment, I was free of pain, love, temptation and it all felt like I was happy.

Everytime I do something to let you go, my mind tells me, "GO BACK! GO BACK!" and everytime I do go back, I realize there was nothing to go back to. Everytime I see you, it always feels like I have to go back to you. Forget everything and start anew.  I don't know if I just miss you or I think there's still something worth coming back to. Last night, talking to you made me realize that if we do go back, I have a feeling that it would be worst. But then, now that I think about it, everything would be easier to work out. You know, easier to fix. We never really had the best understanding in the world because we both had different views of things. But we never tried to compromise. Right? We never did. So now, I thought, what if we did? What if we tried to compromise? Would everything be better? I guess, neither of us would know and I guess, you wouldn't want to know, right? I still do. But then what if we weren't together at all, would everything be better?

I don't regret anything with you because reading anything I write about you makes me smile, I knew I was happy at some point in that year. I still want to be with you but it hurts everytime I say it. I am marvelled by your talent to get past me despite everything I say, everything I offer. You're good at that. Anyway, I hope you still think about wanting to be with me. Just so we can try this again. But I hope you can think about it by Saturday.

I feel so silly and stupid doing this. But I have to end this entry, because it's making me cry again.

Redirect yourselves to here

I listened as my dad ranted off, telling me how bad of a choice it was to pick a boy like that. To him, he was not even close to being a looker and not to mention, his attitude was not to be tolerated. I sat in the car. I could not think of anything. I knew I was making a bad decision of trying to convince him that coming back to to me was a good idea. Is it because I couldn't handle not loving anybody else? I know it's not about being loved.

My dad said he should be lucky I even answered him in the first place. I've been trying to convince myself of that for the past two months but I haven't fully got it.
At the moment, I am glad I didn't do anything for him to hear from me. But I am so pathetic that I can't even promise myself that I could not talk to him for several weeks.

But I do have a hunch that he really doesn't want to be with me anymore. It's just that he didn't have the guts to say it straight to my face. I had to read between the lines, in which I have always been poor at. He's too much of a coward to decide what he really wants. I'm guessing majority of the chances, he really doesn't want to go back to whatever we had. All I need to do is learn, learn to cope up and not be too desperate for his company. I should know better.

I think I need a shrink so I could understand myself more and so I could learn how to deal with this. Because I know what I am doing is wrong. I'm not lonely. I'm just single.

When the sun comes up, I want to wake up a stronger person. I want to have good control of myself. I don't want to give in just because I want to know how it feels again. It's hard to fight it but I've got to try. Boys take everything from me, my pride, my dignity, everything. I'm tired of making them feel like they got me.

For two months, I've been offering myself to Jans like he's the last man on earth. I can't believe what I put myself through just to show him what I can do. But not once was I able to convince him. I'm becoming this crazy bitch who doesn't know when to walk away,
Two days ago, I exchanged PMs with K, an old high school crush, I was shocked that he was actually that into me and kept flirting with me. I was skeptical and yet I thought I desperately needed a distraction. I was right not to believe him. He didn't want ME, he wanted something else from me. I was stupid to go with the flow.

I'm tired of trying hard without succeeding. I see no point in trying to understand these two boys when neither of them really likes me. I'm tired of boys taking what they can from me.

I will wake up stronger. I will wake up with good self-control. And I will wake up innocent but smart.

I see, he doesn't seem in the least bit interested in me. I mean, there's no emotion. Not one. Even if I told him I'll still be here, because I think it's harmless, I'm having second thoughts. The want part in him is gone, I think. Like he's keeping me here for back-up. I'm not for back-up, I'm never for back-up.

He's my cigarette. He's a brand of cigarettes that doesn't really taste that good. When you smoke it, it takes too much space in your lungs, leaving you coughing everytime. But there's a sickening temptation to it, even if you cough every single time, it makes you feel happy, for some reason. It makes you feel what you want to feel.

I don't smoke, really, but it's the best comparison I could think of.

I couldn't give up on him even if I try because I kept holding on to something that I thought was there. His words, it has always been his words. His words of lies, fantasy or whatever I could call them. It's something I wanted to see from him despite where we are but he doesn't show a mere interest in what I have. I actually believed him, I shouldn't have, although I tried not to. I told him i won't give up on him but he told me, indirectly, that he doesn't want this relationship as much as I do. I want to slap his face stupid for telling me lies, but it's my fault I actually believed him. He told me three weeks ago that he thinks he'll choose me in the end. I could the that "the end" he was talking about was never going to come. I remember suggesting to him that we just date, no strings attached, but he said he couldn't even do that.

I looked at myself in the mirror last night as I cried, I hated myself for doing what I was doing. I was crying myself stupid and I always thought he didn't deserve me. I am stupid. I am stupid. Kill me now.

He denied it. He denied saying that in the end, he'd choose me. He denied that sentence. I sort of expected that. It was extremely disappointing for someone I used to know.

I can't exactly say I would quit smoking now because it's so much harder than I thought. But I WILL GET THERE, I SHOULD GET THERE.

All I could think about is how much I want to be with him today. I hoped it would stop when the clock strikes twelve because then, his birthday has ended. But I didn't stop thinking about him, I'm still thinking about him right now. I had already spent two of his birthdays with him, and now, I wasn't even there. I want these thoughts to stop because it has to stop at one point. I NEED IT TO STOP.

It's his birthday today. Of course, he's going out tonight to celebrate with his friends, "RK" (which means Rich Kids). As I mentioned before, his friends invited me to grace the occasion, to show up at the party or whatever it was, and I said no. Personally, I was losing interest in wanting to see him. I was done trying to be nice to him so I told his friends that I can't stand him anymore and I don't want to be there. But as I was looking at his wall, envy came crawling up to me, telling me I should have been there. At some point, it's sad not be a part of his life anymore. I used to be a part of it for so long and now, I'm not. I'm not even sure what is really going on in his life. He always says he's fine. That's it. I know I'm losing him but I should lose him, we broke up already and it has been almost two months without each other.. fully. I just feel left out that I'm not there, even if I usually don't go out with him and his friends, I would always be texting with him, and he'd always be updating me. But today, not one text. I feel sad, at some point.

I'm not even close to moving on. This is foolish.